Trombone Player of the Week: The Guttblaster

Hello folks. This weeks trombone player is representative of an important trait of trombonists worldwide, a trait so closely associated with the instrument as to be nigh inseparable. Alright, everybody together now - beer drinking!

The Guttblaster, as this week's featured trombonist, stands about 9 feet tall, and is roughly proportionate to a 50 year old Jolly Green Giant who sees no problem with throwing back a six-pack of Bud Ice before dinner. He also rocks a largely unkempt beard, which is crawling dangerously down his neck. The term "Guttblaster" refers to two important characteristics of this trombonist.

(1) He has a gigantic beer gut, accentuated by his propensity for tucking t-shirts into his jeans. Thus, the "gutt."

(2) He plays the bass trombone, as loud as humanly possibly, into my right year every week. Thus, the "blaster."*

I think my favorite aspect of the Guttblaster is his t-shirts. It takes a bold man to tuck his t-shirt into his jeans, one who is incredibly confident with both his body and his station in life. The Guttblaster is a bold, bold man. But the best part is, I have only ever seem him wear beer shirts. Today's was a Leinenkugel's shirt, I think it was Oktoberfest, and it had "Prost!" in big letters across the back. I think last week was a Guinness one, but I can't quite be sure.

Now, this makes perfect sense to me. Trombone players like beer: they like to talk about it, drink it, guzzle it, and eventually, regurgitate it while playing air guitar at 4 AM. This is simply the way of things.

Of course though, any trombone player looking for street cred could simply buy a beer shirt; hell, I have a Guinness shirt I could pull out if I had too. But the thing about the Guttblaster, is that he literally looks like he goes home and drinks about a case of beer every single day. Part of this comes from his imposing figure, part of it the look in his eyes. But in large part, I think this can be attributed to the bass trombone.

Bass trombonists are a completely different animal; they're kind of the like the crazy uncle of the trombone family. I don't quite know what it is, but thinking of every single bass trombone player I know, I can name some sort of social deviancy. And they just tend to get drunk a lot. So, the beer shirts make perfect sense.

What's fantastic about the Guttblaster, is that he plays his trombone every day like it's his last. By that I mean, he always is firmly planted in a "stance," and he always, always, always has his trombone at a 90 degree angle to the ground. In a line of poor saps trying to play "Brombones," staring into the ground, the Guttblaster stands tall and regal amongst the throng, almost like some sort of Olympian figure. The rest of us may be playing the music, but the Guttblaster plays the music. He wills it to being through the force of his presence. It's a spectacle to behold.

So Guttblaster, this week, this beer(s) is for you. Cheers.

* "Blaster" may be a bit of a misnomer - the guy is actually pretty damn good